BQ Newsletter #1: Welcome to Broker Quarterly

Welcome to the fake news brand for commercial real estate people just trying to survive one square foot at a time.

July 14, 2025

Editors note: Welcome to the inaugural issue of Broker Quarterly — a slightly unhinged tribute to commercial real estate and the industry’s hard working professionals. This is for brokers, analysts, marketers, building engineers, accountants, developers, and that one admin who’s been holding it down for the entire company without acknowledgment. Each week, we’ll bring you fake headlines, industry spins, and hard-hitting questions like: Should I respond to this email thread, or just ignore it like the rest of them? Save that spreadsheet, close that ticket, and let’s goooooo!

Brokers Spotted Playing Hide-and-Seek in Vacant Office Suites

“We’re just walking the space,” they claim.

In a bold display of market resilience, several brokers were caught playing an elaborate game of hide-and-seek inside a Class A mid-rise in the suburbs. Witnesses report overhearing phrases like:

  • “If you can find me, you can tour me.”

  • “This is active prospecting.”

  • “We’re workshopping movement paths for future tenants.”

When asked for comment, one broker explained, “We’re walking the space to identify new ways to position the asset.” Their colleague added, “And also, to hide from our responsibilities.”

A landlord was reportedly impressed. “Honestly, that’s the most movement we’ve seen in that building in 18 months.”

The property is now 4% leased - and 80% explored (a new post-COVID statistic reportedly being used with landlords).

Dear BQ:

“The lights keep flickering but I’ve already told them it’s not my problem. Am I the villain?”

– Burned Out in Building 3

Dear Burned Out,

No, you’re not the villain. You’re the final line of defense between “building operations” and “full-blown liability.”

You flagged the flicker. You emailed. You followed up. Twice. And now they want you to “swing by real quick” with your magic flashlight of miracles?

Absolutely not.

Until someone files a ticket with a photo, a timestamp, and their firstborn’s middle name, you are under no obligation to acknowledge that light's existence. Consider duct-taping a sign to it that reads: “ask your mom.”

Stand your ground. And dim their expectations.

-BQ

Trend Alert:
Key Fob Fatigue

CRE professionals across the country are reporting a surge in “Key Fob Fatigue,” a condition triggered by carrying 6+ access cards, fobs, and mystery keys to buildings no one’s actively leasing.

Some engineers have turned to ergonomic solutions, like custom-labeled lanyards or lumbar-supported cargo vests. One property manager reportedly used a janitor cart just to transport their master set(s). Meanwhile, analysts are trying to automate doors with ChatGPT.

Reccommended treatment:

  • Pretending to lose your copy

  • Yelling “open sesame” at maglocks

  • Or task the intern with this responsibility

Pictured: A broker and her prized key collection. Sources say she keeps it in her car, unlocked, “just in case someone wants to take this responsibility off my hands.”

Until next time,

Broker Quarterly

Reply

or to participate.